They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
