I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
