So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
