Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
