Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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