Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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