For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
