Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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