That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
