I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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