So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
