there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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