I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
