Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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