Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Randomize
