yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
