glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
