I want to walk on stilts...naked
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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