I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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