He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
