You don't have asthma, your pregnant
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
