if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
