giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
