I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
