i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
