I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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