My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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