I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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