remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
