My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
