so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I want to walk on stilts...naked
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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