My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
