if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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