I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
