Umm I'm too high to move.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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