i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
