Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
