I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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