I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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