i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
