So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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