I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You made out with two different species that night
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
