you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize