Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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