Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
