i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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