Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
