I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
