On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
