Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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