this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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