Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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