Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
