He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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