Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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