How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
