RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
