This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
