He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
