Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
