I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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