he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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