you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Someone came in the potted fern
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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