Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
