I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
