pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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